I’m “almost” 30 years old and still learning things I ought to know by now. This will be a brutally honest post — so pathetic that I should probably contemplate whether or not to hit the “post” button. I’ve always wanted to be a travel blogger but some friends have warned me about publicizing information that are too personal in nature. There are millions of blogs out there though, and the blogs I appreciate the most are the honest sincere ones. Maybe misery needs company or maybe you need a shot of schadenfreude. Well, I’m your gal.
Let’s start with the fact that I’m now 3 months jobless. In fact, I haven’t held a full-time job in almost 3 years! From that, it follows that I don’t have much savings now and I still live with my parents. To be fair, I come from a third-world country where the average income is usually not enough to sustain an ample independent lifestyle. I tried to live away from home for almost a year and it just wasn’t financially doable for me. But hey, at least if I end up creating a huge business, I can go tell people I started it “from my mom’s basement”. Literally and figuratively, I’ve lived a sheltered life.
I did live by myself during my university years and I managed to teach myself how to cook instant noodles and how to fry things. Beyond that, I can’t cook to save my life. It follows that I have one of the worst eating habits on the planet. I am a junk food addict who often considers a big bag of potato chips with mayo dip as a meal. It’s obvious that I don’t take good care of my body. I’m a grown-up who still pushes away her fruits and vegetables. Since I don’t have medical benefits and health insurance it’s been years since I last had a health check-up. My exercise regimen consists of bouts of jogging a few weeks before a big trip, followed by more weeks of sedentariness. As you probably can imagine, I am very out of shape. Literally half of the clothes in my closet don’t fit me anymore, following the proverbial “I will be able to wear them again someday”.
Perhaps someday will come and I will finally follow-through with my goals. I’ve had the same set of New Year’s Resolution for more than 5 years, including lessening my facebook addiction and keeping a planner. I have plenty of life goals but I have yet to follow-through. Even in maintaining this blog, I failed at. (As of writing, my previous blogpost was more than a year ago, the last article being something I wrote 4 years ago!)
Other than a satisfactory ability in writing, I have no specific talents or bankable skills. I spent 5 years of my life in a career that I have shifted out of, leaving my curriculum vitae in shambles as I pursued various random things in short periods. My college degree is also quite redundant now that I’ve realized I took up something I am completely not passionate about. My interests ebb and flow barely lasting a week at a time. The list of things I want to learn are just getting longer without much accomplishment. I can’t even drive a car (I can’t afford one), but at least I know how to drive my career off a cliff to explode into the abyss.
Now is a dark place. A foot from rock bottom. I fail all those stupid online articles that impose “7 Things You Should Have Before You Turn 30” or “Things You Should Learn in Your 20s”. Fuck those know-it-alls. I am spiritually, physically, intellectually, emotionally and socially underdeveloped — basically I don’t have a handle on ANY aspect of life. That’s not even an understatement. Don’t even get me started with my romantic life.
How did I even get here? Nursing a mental illness unmedicated and having society-imposed limiting beliefs could be to blame. I took a lot of time for introspection, traveling and discovering paths less taken, which are not necessarily bad things. I spent the rest of my days sleeping because in my vivid dreams, I am more skilled and capable. But I’ve decided to sleep no more! (Okay, not really I loooove sleep).
The reason why I share this self-deprecating post is not just to make my dear readers feel like they are not alone in their life crises. Despite my unconventional socially unacceptable path in life and year after year of failing at improving, I am NOT losing hope. I will soar beyond this slump in my life and if you feel the same current helplessness, consider this an invitation to emerge better together. Looking forward, this shall be my testament that the universe will conspire to help the determined be the person she always wanted to be, succeeding at ‘adulting’ included. Watch this space.